Learning to say Fuck You in times of hardship.
Category: Life

I have so much to say, yet sometimes it feels like the hardest task to get it out to the point that it’s so clear that i, myself might actually fully understand it.
Im so fucking confused but i feel like i know exactly what i want to do.
I feel like i’ve lost so much yet gained much in return.
I feel so full of hate but i cant help but smile sometimes cause somethings are just so beautiful.
Maybe it’s cause i’ve learned to let go.
I stopped crying and i’ve almost stopped caring.
As painful as things have been and as much heart ache as it’s caused, the unbearable stress the constant agony...
i cant really say, i’ve just had it.
The feelings we’re so pure, it was like i was high for a year and a half and im just now finally coming down.
It’s weird how one person can captivate you so much...and nothing else really seems to matter anymore.
It just felt so right, so damn good.
The love i had for him was like nothing else......
But the bitterness between us now makes me sick to my stomach.
How can you tell someone you love them and that be your last words spoken.
Two months later i still wonder what happened.


People.....
I’ll never understand.
The actions of some human beings just baffle me.
Maybe cause i think im a genuinely good person.
I don’t like hurting people, even though all the shit ive had to put up with, ive manage to over come.
But this one.....this one really hurt and i don’t think he’ll ever really go away.
He brought out the best in me, i was happy, i was in love.

It’s part of growing up i guess, right?
Ive learned to not hate myself anymore.
Ive learned to hate all the assholes that have hurt me and made me hate myself because of that.
Ive learned that there will always be enough room in my heart to love again.


It’s not the end of the world, it’s just the beginning.
Sad and miserable as it may be, i guess i should try to make the best of it, at least until i find happiness again.
I know i will.
Im content.
Im ok with how my life is.
I cant wait to move though.

I need a fresh start, a new beginning.
Away from all of this, away from what i know, away......

Drunk eye openers.

Drunk
its 11:56 pm
I should be sleeping.


The feeling right now is so unreal.


Like i exist but dont exist.


My mind races with pleseant memories from the past week and a half.


Im at the point where i just dont care.


I could live like this forever, really.


I miss them, i miss things, i miss everything
Memories....i hate memories, i wish i could live on repeat.


But then i could never move on.


I hate this feeling....
I hate feeling anything.


I only like the good feelings.


I wish they could last forever
I want to cry.....yet i smile.


good...bad
What's wrong with me.


So much...too much
I need to stop
The thoughts, the memories, the hope and the dreams.


I feel like im home now, im far from it.


I feel like shit, but i feel liberated
A new perspective
A new way
But the old shit want to hassel me.


Stop! please STOP.


Im so confused but its ok.


I dont know what i really want anymore but its ok
I dont know where in going with my life but its OK
I have so much to say yet i dont know how to let it out.


Yesterday i felt so go, i got it out.


Why do i need someone else to get it out?
Why cant i do it on my own.


Im so independant why do i feel like i need to depend on people.


Like my legs are broken and i need a crutch.


I cant walk on my own anymore.


I feel so much, i love so much, i hate so much, i want so much
I want you..i want my life back i want it all back
I want to stay here, i dont want to go home
Fuck my job...Fuck my life....Fuck you
Fuck everything, i just want to be happy.


I dont think ive ever been really happy.


Not truely happy.


Destroy negativity?
How, there so much negativity everywhere?
Beauty..what is beauty?
True beauty.


I think i know....i know, i know.


I feel it....like i felt it last night...
things happen for a reason....yes this is true.


Last night was proof....this past 2 weeks is proof.


Every god damn thing that has happened to me is fucking proof.


I guess i should just lay back relax and go along for the ride.


I know how things go, i just dont always like to accept them.


I know so much, yet i know so little.


Life....what is life really.


Your born, you live, you die.


Most people might think its pointless.


but i think every persons life is like a work of art.


Human nature....its an interesting thing...
We live but in that life we experience so much and we pass that on...
So in some weird way part of who we are was influenced by someone we've encountered in our life at one point, whether they made a big impact or a small impact...there are with us.


And they continue on....
Like some kind of fucking chain
We're all connected.


Human nature.....it's an interesting thing.