If you have ever been placed in the ill disposition of having to answer the question, "Does this make me look fat?" then you probably know how people prefer sugar coated words that border bold faced lies over the truth. Of course they tell you not to lie too. God bless these people for making an already complicated situation just a little more complicated. It is kind of like giving someone a piece of paper and telling them to write the meaning of life. Oh, but you can not use vowels and it has to make sense. Yeah, thanks, asshole.

Before I get off topic...

Recently I decided that I was going to change my approach to meeting women. Girls are the worst about complaining how they want someone to be honest with them. Shut up, you don't. But I decided that I am going to humor them. No longer will I try hard to make eye contact and offer little grins of comfort while I search for a common interest. No, I am giving that up.

Instead this is how the situation will unfold:

So I am dressed in my normal attire. Normal for being around the house because I am being honest and honestly I could give a fuck about the label printed across my shirt to let people know I shop at the good stores. Oh yeah, I pay too fucking much for clothing just to look good. Fuck that, I will probably be wearing pajama pants and an old band shirt. For good measure, it will be a Marilyn Manson shirt too.This is when I approach the thick asscheeks with their whale-taled underwear creeping out the top of the pants. And since we are being honest, I realize the ass is attached to a female. I can identify that easily. Hopefully. There was this one time...Anyways. So of course I am just approaching a pair of buttcheeks crammed into tight jeans, because let's face it, I have not been staring at her personality for probably no less than half an hour.

When I get up to her, I know she has a face but I don't look at it. Who cares? We are being honest remember? So that is when I give my speech.

"Hi. I could not help but notice your asscheeks from across the bar. I figured I could picture myself staring down at them bare and banging against my lower adominal area. And I know, I know that is probably just me being too honest but what would you have me say to you? Do you really want me to come up with some way I could relate to you? A cheesy line? I could talk to you about music or something tedious and give you the false sense that I just want to hear all about your personal preferences. I want to get to know you. Eventually I will ask for your number or give you mine. Then we can talk or go out to some restaurant I don't care for and I can pretend to be interested in the relationships you have with your friends and with what you do for work or whether or not you go to school. I could feign interest in your major and your personal beliefs. Then I could insert random agreements so you think that you and I are closely the same. The whole time I could put up a front with my false concern while thinking about what it would be like to lick whipped cream off your more precious parts. We could have a relationship that lasts for a few months. I will wait a month before I try a couple of moves to get you into bed. If I am successful you will have to deal with me constantly continuing these moves atleast twice a day. The whole time I will throw a 'deep' conversation inbetween so I still appear to be the same guy you started dating. Eventually one of us will get bored but not until after you already start naming our kids that have yet to be both conceived and born. You will talk about marriage and I will kiss you. You will think the kiss is because I am falling for you with those words but really, I just want you to shut up. So then we get bored and months later I call you for some booty after I apologize for whatever went wrong. Of course I bring up the few items of mine you still have that I kind of miss. And vice versa. So we bang like rabbits and years later I see you in the grocery store with your new boyfriend and we don't speak a word. Maybe I am being too honest. Really, I am far too damaged by the previous girls to actually go through with a relationship. I am basically a lost cause. That does not mean I won't admire your spirit. That does not mean that there is not a faint chance that you could be the one girl who turns out to be the one girl. That doesn't mean I wouldn't send you a Christmas card. Let's face it though, I am not that great looking and maybe you are but in ten years you won't be. You should probably take advantage of the fact that I am a half-decent looking guy and have sex with me in maybe the backseat of my car though preferably a hotel bed. When you start getting crows feet, a belly, and random patches of cellulite, not to mention the laugh lines and sagging tits a guy like me is probably not going to ask you to sleep with him. You're young and lucky. Let's just cut to the chase of this. Let's go have a good time, get naked, exchange numbers and I will just call you when I need some of your ever addicting sexual favors. Leave out the middle man. Look, I am just being honest. We both have too much pain in our past to consider a future past the point of a one-night stand so you might as well take this opportunity while you still have a body that people lust over." And of course during the whole speech I never look her in the eye once, I look directly into her sweaty cleavage. Remember, no lies?

And maybe this approach would work. Girls like honest guys right?

Or atleast it is a thought. Everyone knows I am too much a hopeless romantic to ever listen to the things that cross my brain.